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Confrontation and Dirty Dancing
By Courtney Gray
We’ve all worked in groups where there was that one person that no one liked. That one person that no one could work with and that everyone talked about behind his or her back. We also all know that gossip and trash-talking can tear a group apart and can really hold a team back from its full potential. So why do we do it? Most likely we do it because we haven’t been taught the other alternatives. We haven’t been given the skills to properly confront the person. Well, it’s time to be the person who really makes a difference on your team or in your group. It’s time to be the one who stops complaining and starts taking action. It’s time to confront.
In the great 80’s film Dirty Dancing, Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze taught us a lot more than how to stand up for what you believe in and how to dance. Believe it or not, they taught us a lot about confrontation too. In one scene, Baby goes to the lodge dining room to confront Robby. She wants to know why he hasn’t helped out his ex-girlfriend Penny and thinks that he should help pay for Penny’s medical expenses. I hate to give it away but the scene ends with Baby pouring a pitcher of water onto Robby and saying, “You make me sick. Stay away from me. Stay away from my sister - or I’ll have you fired.”
So many lessons in confrontation can be learned from Baby and Robby’s interaction. For instance, lesson # 1 could be: “No food or beverages are to be thrown or poured onto either party”. Beyond the obvious though, Baby made some serious and very common errors in her confrontation attempt. It’s no wonder the conflict was not resolved and they both ended up worse off than when they began.
Baby’s Mistake #1: Confronting in a public space in front of others.
Public confrontation sends the message that you are frustrated and at your wit’s end since you cannot wait long enough to meet in a private place one-on-one. Confronting in front of others shows that you are not there because you truly care about the other person or their feelings, you are simply there to state your feelings of anger or frustration and be done.
You can do better:
Think ahead about the best times and places to have the interaction. Talk to that person and tell them that you’d like to meet with them whenever they have some free time and as the two of you begin to develop options, make sure to rule out times where there is any possibility that you could be cut short by another meeting or activity. Keep in mind that when confronting someone, you are opening a lot of subjects to discussion, and that other topics are likely to arise. Overestimate the time you will need. Always confront one on one. Or basically, confront as you would want to be confronted. If you truly care about resolving the conflict and seeing some results, understand that people are different in front of a group than on their own. You don’t need a cheering section! You’re already advantaged because you have had time to think about what you want to say and how you’re going to say it, so be fair and give that other person as much of an advantage as possible.
Baby’s Mistake #2: Telling Robby what to do.
Telling someone what to do automatically puts you into an authority role and tells the other person that you know what’s right and you’re the boss. This can make the person reject anything further that you have to say and question why on earth you should be listened to. When you tell someone what to do you also place a lot of blame on them and their actions. Doing any of these things will only make the person defensive and reactive, and this won’t really help your cause if you are truly looking for a resolution to the conflict.
You can do better:
Go into the confrontation with specific examples of what the other person has done. Don’t even try if all you’ve got is, “You say mean things that hurt my feelings all the time.” What is the first thing that someone will say back? “What kinds of things? I don’t know what you mean.” This technique gets you nowhere. Use a specific and recent example and always use “I” statements as opposed to “you” statements that place blame. Say “I felt really low and ashamed when you told me that my dancing needs a lot of work” instead of “you hurt my feelings when you told me that my dancing needs a lot of work.” Listen and seek to understand. If you’re not going to listen and seek to understand the other person’s point of view and reasoning, then why not just tell them what to do? Confrontations should never be one-sided. They should be discussions that are very purposeful and involve a lot of understanding and open-mindedness to reach a resolution.
Baby’s Mistake #3: Not staying calm.
Raising your voice, becoming very short and attacking in your statements, and even unnatural body language that might indicate you are angry and frustrated, creates a hostile atmosphere. When you raise your voice you can expect that the other person will most likely raise his voice as well. It is extremely unlikely that the conflict will get resolved in such an intimidating environment.
You can do better:
Stay calm. Keep your voice calm, your body calm, and your facial expressions calm. By keeping a low, friendly and compassionate tone of voice you are welcoming more discussion and are setting a pleasant tone with the expectation that the other person should do the same. If you truly are seeking to understand, listening well, and seeking a resolution or compromise, then your body and voice will naturally stay at calm levels.
Let’s give credit where credit is due: Baby did have the guts to approach Robby and that was surely a difficult thing to do. The first and usually most difficult part of a confrontation is taking the steps to make it happen. Don’t forget that confrontation skills take time and experience. There are always things that you can work on and always things that you can do better.
Somewhere along the way, at some point in your life, there will be that expectation that you can and will confront others when necessary. It could be a new job or a new relationship. You may feel like you’ve been tossed into the lion’s cage, but just know that these skills are ones that will better your interactions and relationships for the rest of your life. Whether it’s your boyfriend or girlfriend, best friend, parent, or co-worker, at some point you’ll need to face the music. You’ll care enough about that person to make the effort and you’ll be proud of the progress you’ve made.
Courtney Gray is a university instructor and mentor at Northern Arizona University, and a regular contributor to the LSN. Click here to learn more about Courtney and how to contact her!
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